God's Eternal Punishment

How did that story go?  Adam and Eve were in a garden and Eve was tempted to eat an apple that she was told not to eat and God got mad and made them ashamed and also gave them roommates.  Right?  He decided to punish us eternally by giving us roommates.  How is that even fair?  Eve ate a measly piece of fruit and suddenly I have to be ashamed of my nakedness and ALSO deal with roommates.

Anyone who has roommates or has had roommates in the past knows that NOTHING good can come of roommates.  Meeting them is exciting - a fresh start, a new friend, a future bridesmaid, oh, the possibilities! WRONG.  Roommates are AWFUL.  They are like a whole other being.  Males, females, and roommates.

The summer before my freshman year of college, I anxiously awaited that first email from my new roommate introducing herself and telling me insignificant details like "my favorite color is green," "don't worry, I don't stay up too late," and "you bring the TV, I'll bring the microwave."  Instead, my long awaited email arrived in July and went a little bit like this:
"Hi Tessa! I'm -------.  I can't wait to meet you! I'm really excited to be going to BU and meeting new people.  Do you have a boyfriend? I do! Actually, I guess he's technically not my boyfriend anymore - he proposed last night! Now he's my FIANCE!  He didn't have a ring but he's getting me one for Christmas. We've only been dating a month but I keep telling myself, you can't really put a time limit on love, right?"  *QUE SCREECHING HALT SOUND EFFECT*
If I could rewind my life, I would go back to 18-year-old Tessa and tell her to GET OUT while she can.
I'd take that email right there as a sign to never live with anyone else, even if it meant living at home with my parents until they managed to marry me off.

(If you're curious in how that situation turned out, right around October, after the purchase of a $8,000 Canary Yellow Diamond Ring, a drunken conversation between my roommate and I was enough to convince her he wasn't the "one," leading in the downfall of the "engagement" and her pattern of bringing home lame eligible bachelors with equally grim futures.)

I'll skip the following four years of many interesting roommate stories and bring you to now.  Girls: if you ever get the opportunity to live with a good guy friend, do it.  It's the most painless, refreshing, drama-free roommate situation I've ever had.  (Disclaimer: don't go around telling people I said to live with a guy you're romantically interested in.  That would never work.) The unfortunate part, is that at the last minute of apartment hunting, my roommate and I tried to take on a third roommate.  What we ended up with was none other than the devil in a pretty girl's body.  And let me tell you, this girl was not in that garden with Eve because she has no shame walking around naked.
I'll spare the details, but between the extreme lies, the alarming comfort she has with sitting around in filth,  and the brown hair that clogs the shower drain, I've decided there is nothing I can say I like about her except the fact that her boyfriend has his own place downtown.
I will give her credit though, on her ability to suddenly transform herself into both myself and my other roommate's girlfriend - by suddenly walking into the apartment with blonde hair that shares a striking resemblance to the shade of blonde in my hair, or by walking into the living room baring the same outfit that just-so-happened to be worn by my roommate's girlfriend mere days before....how does she do it?! Props, girl.

Anyway, however the story goes, someone did something wrong to piss God off and make him invent roommates. Because without them, life would be too perfect and we'd all be too happy.  Someone did something wrong, and I'm blaming the snake in that garden, the one who tempted Eve to eat the apple, that devil who most likely resides in the room that shares a wall with mine.