How did that story go? Adam and Eve were in a garden and Eve was tempted to eat an apple that she was told not to eat and God got mad and made them ashamed and also gave them roommates. Right? He decided to punish us eternally by giving us roommates. How is that even fair? Eve ate a measly piece of fruit and suddenly I have to be ashamed of my nakedness and ALSO deal with roommates.
Anyone who has roommates or has had roommates in the past knows that NOTHING good can come of roommates. Meeting them is exciting - a fresh start, a new friend, a future bridesmaid, oh, the possibilities! WRONG. Roommates are AWFUL. They are like a whole other being. Males, females, and roommates.
The summer before my freshman year of college, I anxiously awaited that first email from my new roommate introducing herself and telling me insignificant details like "my favorite color is green," "don't worry, I don't stay up too late," and "you bring the TV, I'll bring the microwave." Instead, my long awaited email arrived in July and went a little bit like this:
"Hi Tessa! I'm -------. I can't wait to meet you! I'm really excited to be going to BU and meeting new people. Do you have a boyfriend? I do! Actually, I guess he's technically not my boyfriend anymore - he proposed last night! Now he's my FIANCE! He didn't have a ring but he's getting me one for Christmas. We've only been dating a month but I keep telling myself, you can't really put a time limit on love, right?" *QUE SCREECHING HALT SOUND EFFECT*
If I could rewind my life, I would go back to 18-year-old Tessa and tell her to GET OUT while she can.
I'd take that email right there as a sign to never live with anyone else, even if it meant living at home with my parents until they managed to marry me off.
(If you're curious in how that situation turned out, right around October, after the purchase of a $8,000 Canary Yellow Diamond Ring, a drunken conversation between my roommate and I was enough to convince her he wasn't the "one," leading in the downfall of the "engagement" and her pattern of bringing home lame eligible bachelors with equally grim futures.)
I'll skip the following four years of many interesting roommate stories and bring you to now. Girls: if you ever get the opportunity to live with a good guy friend, do it. It's the most painless, refreshing, drama-free roommate situation I've ever had. (Disclaimer: don't go around telling people I said to live with a guy you're romantically interested in. That would never work.) The unfortunate part, is that at the last minute of apartment hunting, my roommate and I tried to take on a third roommate. What we ended up with was none other than the devil in a pretty girl's body. And let me tell you, this girl was not in that garden with Eve because she has no shame walking around naked.
I'll spare the details, but between the extreme lies, the alarming comfort she has with sitting around in filth, and the brown hair that clogs the shower drain, I've decided there is nothing I can say I like about her except the fact that her boyfriend has his own place downtown.
I will give her credit though, on her ability to suddenly transform herself into both myself and my other roommate's girlfriend - by suddenly walking into the apartment with blonde hair that shares a striking resemblance to the shade of blonde in my hair, or by walking into the living room baring the same outfit that just-so-happened to be worn by my roommate's girlfriend mere days before....how does she do it?! Props, girl.
Anyway, however the story goes, someone did something wrong to piss God off and make him invent roommates. Because without them, life would be too perfect and we'd all be too happy. Someone did something wrong, and I'm blaming the snake in that garden, the one who tempted Eve to eat the apple, that devil who most likely resides in the room that shares a wall with mine.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Is it just me?
I wish reality was a tangible object so I could take it and hit people over the head with it.
Until recently I've never taken a moment to realize how many people around me who directly impact my life are NOT normal. I'm not talking not normal like, "Oh my God she doesn't like ice cream?? She is so weird!" or "What is she THINKING wearing her hair like that?" or anything to that effect. I'm talking REALLY not normal. People who do things that just make me want to scream, "WHAT?!" in their face and then throw a chair. I'm not kidding. It baffles me how little people understanding the normal workings of every day life. It has taken me a week to get this far into this blog post because I cannot even find the right words to describe the way in which people are so incredibly un-normal.
My friend and I were talking about this yesterday. We listed about 20 people we know and categorized them as normal and not normal (don't judge my copious amount of time - sometimes I get incredibly bored at work). Out of those 20 or so people, we named five who were normal. We were two of them. Congrats to the other three.
If you have to question if you're normal or not, then you aren't.
For those of you still having trouble determining the verdict:
If you think it's okay to spontaneously throw out the perfectly good kitchen table and not buy a new one, you're not normal.
If you think that eating a large homemade meal on Wednesday night and then claiming you've had food poisoning since Tuesday morning is okay, you're not normal.
If you think it's okay to make up an elaborate story with details including new asthma symptoms, a fainting spell, a sliced open forehead, an ambulance ride, and a concussion just so that I will drive you to your boyfriend's house, you're not normal.
In general, with minimal exceptions, if you are a compulsive liar, if you crave attention, if you have an undying need to please people, if you are overly attentive and emotional towards every day occurrences, if it takes you longer than an appropriate amount of time to recover from a mild situation, if you are afraid to commit to anything as little as using the word "we" instead of "I" in a sentence, or if your apathy towards every major incident in life not only affects you but begins to affect the people surrounding you, then...guess what. You are not normal.
Although there are no concrete guidelines to determining whether someone is or isn't normal, it's pretty easy to realize whether someone is living between the lines of normalcy or alarmingly outside of them. There are very few people who teeter on the edge of normal - typically I find people are either one extreme or the other.
I understand that many of you may have made it this far into this post and are now questioning their level of normal. I'm sorry if I've made you question your every day existence but it had to be done. It's time to take a good look at the way you handle situations from an every day occurrence to an unexpected curve ball. Next time you make up an elaborate lie, or cause a major freak-out over nothing, or decide to ignore something that is majorly important to you or the people around you, do all of us normal people a favor - stop and be rational. Think: What Would Normal People Do? The few of us that there are out there will appreciate your efforts.
Until recently I've never taken a moment to realize how many people around me who directly impact my life are NOT normal. I'm not talking not normal like, "Oh my God she doesn't like ice cream?? She is so weird!" or "What is she THINKING wearing her hair like that?" or anything to that effect. I'm talking REALLY not normal. People who do things that just make me want to scream, "WHAT?!" in their face and then throw a chair. I'm not kidding. It baffles me how little people understanding the normal workings of every day life. It has taken me a week to get this far into this blog post because I cannot even find the right words to describe the way in which people are so incredibly un-normal.
My friend and I were talking about this yesterday. We listed about 20 people we know and categorized them as normal and not normal (don't judge my copious amount of time - sometimes I get incredibly bored at work). Out of those 20 or so people, we named five who were normal. We were two of them. Congrats to the other three.
If you have to question if you're normal or not, then you aren't.
For those of you still having trouble determining the verdict:
If you think it's okay to spontaneously throw out the perfectly good kitchen table and not buy a new one, you're not normal.
If you think that eating a large homemade meal on Wednesday night and then claiming you've had food poisoning since Tuesday morning is okay, you're not normal.
If you think it's okay to make up an elaborate story with details including new asthma symptoms, a fainting spell, a sliced open forehead, an ambulance ride, and a concussion just so that I will drive you to your boyfriend's house, you're not normal.
In general, with minimal exceptions, if you are a compulsive liar, if you crave attention, if you have an undying need to please people, if you are overly attentive and emotional towards every day occurrences, if it takes you longer than an appropriate amount of time to recover from a mild situation, if you are afraid to commit to anything as little as using the word "we" instead of "I" in a sentence, or if your apathy towards every major incident in life not only affects you but begins to affect the people surrounding you, then...guess what. You are not normal.
Although there are no concrete guidelines to determining whether someone is or isn't normal, it's pretty easy to realize whether someone is living between the lines of normalcy or alarmingly outside of them. There are very few people who teeter on the edge of normal - typically I find people are either one extreme or the other.
I understand that many of you may have made it this far into this post and are now questioning their level of normal. I'm sorry if I've made you question your every day existence but it had to be done. It's time to take a good look at the way you handle situations from an every day occurrence to an unexpected curve ball. Next time you make up an elaborate lie, or cause a major freak-out over nothing, or decide to ignore something that is majorly important to you or the people around you, do all of us normal people a favor - stop and be rational. Think: What Would Normal People Do? The few of us that there are out there will appreciate your efforts.
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